(written as I waited to board my plane from La Guardia to Milwaukee in early September 2018)
Today I leave New York. I knew this wasn’t going to be forever. I didn’t have a big dream of moving to NYC and making it big. What I needed was a place to heal. I needed a new place. new experiences. new memories. I received those thing in abundance and was given the space and time to b r e a t h e. And sometimes, when you breathe in the air in New York City, you get a big ol’ whiff of what could be a dead molding rat. But other times you run to Central Park on a fall morning and you’re up in Central Harlem and you escape for a minute and forget about everything else. A few months ago I was sitting in a Starbucks and this woman asked to share my table. She sat and started to talk to me about how she used to live in NY and was an artist who moved to Florida. I was busily deleting and filing away emails because I was organizing a woman’s event and needed to have my emails clean so I could figure out what I needed to do and what was old email. She asked me the typical, annoying questions and I told her what I do. “You came to NY to work for a doctor?” She asked me, with a tone of shame in her voice. Shame, that I wasn’t pursing a career in the arts, trying to be famous, or create a startup. I recognized it for what it was and let it deflect right off of me. It frustrated me that someone who knew n o t h i n g about my life somehow thought that she knew how I ‘should’ be living it. Because the truth is, yes. My job wasn’t flashy. I worked for a doctors office (yes, It was for one of the top cancer hospitals in the world…but still. Not flashy). But I don’t need to bash on her. She clearly had some personal shame within her and was projecting it onto me…a typical response to shame. But, I’m glad she said that. Because it allowed me to realize this: yes, I don’t have a flashy job and I live in one of the flashiest cities in the world. But. This job allowed me to have nights and weekends free so that I was able to be in plays with friends, train for a marathon, have countless dinner and movie nights and time with my roommates, go to daily mass (3 daily mass options only blocks from where I worked…#thanksJesus) and gave me time for daily prayer. I was able to bike or walk to work every day, which gave me *some* of my I-need-to-be-outdoors quota. I was able to leave work at work, which allowed me to plunge into scripture and run towards Jesus. And now, Jesus is bringing me somewhere else. Now, I don’t know where I’ll be living in 6 months. And now more than ever, I must trust Jesus. Trust that even though I’m leaving a city that I love so much, {a city that holds friends that my heart will ache and yearn to be with} Jesus has something more in store. Can I trust Him, and trust that life can still be good (dare I say, great) if I step away from an already existing good thing? Let’s explore that one next. For now, please pray for me as I head down to the swamp land of Louisiana. Jesus, I trust in you.
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hey.my moto is summarized best by these words:
“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.” -Brene Brown thanks Brene. you're quite the gal. Past Musings
July 2020
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