Am I turning into someone who forgets? Short answer; yes. Longer answer…I hope not. Currently, a lot of the Mass readings in the Catholic Church are centered around the plight of the Israelites. The people who were chosen by God, but who were enslaved by Egyptians. The other day, I started to imagine what it would have been like to be an Israelite child during the time of their Exodus; I imagined myself as a 10 year old child. I was this 10 year old who was born into slavery under the Egyptian Pharaoh. I imagined what it must have been like to see a man come along and show the power of God in various demonstrations. And, then, me, along with my family, are set free. I envisioned what it must have been like to cross the Red Sea, and see God’s almighty, powerful, miraculous hand at work again. Then, after all of this, we started to grumble about not having better food other than bread to eat. And I imagined what it was like to turn from God and to wander in the desert for 40 years. Then, I imagined being a 50 year old Israelite woman. What would it have been like to be one of the few people left alive who remembered how God brought us out of Egypt to bring us to the Promised Land? What would my faith be like? Would I be questioning if it was all real; would I wonder if I made it all up in my head? After all, I was only 10 years old. Could God have really made water turn into blood? Could God have really caused it to rain fire? Could He have really parted the sea, and allowed us to walk through it unharmed? And, then I thought about how I’m the fictitious 10 year old Israelite girl. That, I’m the one who was brought out of slavery, who saw the mighty power of God’s work in my life, crossed tumultuous waters and came out un-scathed. And, now I’m the one waiting on God, grumbling about how this isn’t the life I wanted. This isn’t what I expected when I chose to follow Him and watched Him break the bonds of slavery in my life. I thought things would be a little more glamorous…as I suspect the Israelites did too. I can’t really blame them, but also, what did they expect? A castle in the desert that magically appeared? Ultimately, the Israelites had a choice. And, so do I. They could have chosen to believe that God is who He said He is, especially after He worked all these signs and wonders IN FRONT OF THEIR OWN EYES. They could have chosen to believe Moses and Aaron, that there was a place God had for them and that He would provide what they needed. But, ultimately, when push came to shove, they didn’t have the faith that God had hoped they would have. So, they wandered in the desert (and yet, God still had this unfathomable mercy and provided for them). In my own way, I feel as though I’ve entered a desert. Do I have enough faith to believe in the God that I proclaim? Can I remember the miracles, the wonders, the power that He has shown in my life? Will I recognize Him as the good Father who has brought me out of slavery and will bring me into an even better future than I could have imagined? I can harp on the Israelites all I want, but I’m really not very different from them. Has God brought me out of slavery? Absolutely. He’s saved me from slavery to work, alcohol, relationships, resentment, anger, bitterness. Has God showed His might and power and worked miracles in my life? 100% yes Have I ever mentioned that 11 years ago I fell asleep behind the wheel? I woke up, didn't know what was happening; all I remember is my car was swerving so bad that I let go of the wheel and seconds later I ended up in a ditch. I walked away unscathed and the only damage was that my car had to be towed out of the ditch. A definite miracle if ever there was one, and an undeniable intervention by my Guardian Angel - giving credit where credit it due;) Plus, God has healed my body and soul, given me so many incredible friends it’s hard to stay in touch with them; a family who loves me. I could continue. And now, here I am. I can choose whether or not to grumble. I can choose whether or not to believe if God will provide. But, I can still be sad. I can still let myself feel my emotions and cry and mourn over the fact that I left 1ndia in less than 48 hours notice. That I can no longer walk down the street and go to daily mass where Mother Teresa lived. And, I can sit in my bathroom and let myself cry, when I’m overcome with the grief that comes with leaving a place I had just started to feel was a home. I can let myself feel the heartache when I think about not knowing the next time I will climb the stairs at the Motherhouse, or eat at my favorite Muslim-owned, Delhi Darbar Restaurant. I can allow myself to experience the pain of heartbreak when driving away from one of my closest friends; the only person who really knows and understands everything that happened in the past two months of my life. I can let misunderstanding and confusion cloud my mind when I think about that last drive to the airport, where my shared Uber consisted of a Spaniard who couldn’t find enough reasons to complain about 1ndia. Confusing, because only 3 weeks prior, all of those things were a thorn in my side too. But, slowly I started to see the beauty of the country I previously couldn’t wait to leave, and as I sat in that car I wasn’t excited to return. For the first time, I wasn’t excited to go to the airport and return to the land of comfort. I can left myself be confused when I don’t understand why I’m not glad to be home, sleep in my own bed or wear my favorite clothes. And, I can choose to believe that God still loves me. That He still is who He says He is. That He has proven Himself trustworthy, good, a Savior, powerful. Much like the Israelites who, each day could only take the bread they needed for that day, I too can wake up each day begging God for the strength to live the day He has given me, knowing that He will provide. The Lord led the Israelites into the wilderness; a place they had never been before. They thought it would be better for them to go back to the life of slavery that they knew, because of the unknown that the wilderness brought. What a parallel to my life, right? Maybe to yours as well. I would rather go back to the comfort of what I know than experience the pain, the unknown, the uncertainty of the wilderness. In Braving the Wilderness, Brene Brown talks about how the wilderness is a scary place to be. She describes the wilderness as a place out in the open, exposed to our fears and our shortcomings, a place where we don’t have control and we don’t know what is coming next. Sound familiar? She describes different ways that people handle the wilderness; some people shut down, others get anxious, angry, distant. But others, choose to press into the wild that is around them. They lean into the discomfort, get vulnerable with their family and friends, and choose joy over fear. Is not the wilderness that the Israelites entered similar to the one Brene describes? Sure, they entered a literal wilderness, but were their hearts not also in a wilderness? Is my heart not also in a wilderness, in the middle of a forest looking up and questioning what is happening? "When Pharaoh drew near, the people of Israel lifted up their eyes, and behold, the Egyptians were marching after them; and they were in great fear. And the people of Israel cried out to the LORD; and they said to Moses, “Is it because there are no graves in Egypt that you have taken us away to die in the wilderness? What have you done to us in bringing us out of Egypt? Is not this what we said to you in Egypt, ‘Let us alone and let us serve the Egyptians’? For it would have been better for us to see the Egyptians than to die in the wilderness.” And Moses said to the people, “Fear not, stand firm, and see the salvation of the LORD, which he will work for you today; for the Egyptians whom you see today, you shall never see again. The LORD will fight for you, and you have only to be still.'" -Exodus 14:10-14 Thank God for Moses, who dealt with, stood up for and defended the Israelites in all of their grumblings. Heck, the Israelites didn’t even want to leave their slavery because of their fear of the unknown. So, thanks Moses, for your pursuit of the Israelites. Let me etch these words onto my heart. And, please God, help me not forget the wonders and miracles you have worked in my life, and that through this wilderness, your goodness will prevail: “Fear not, stand firm, and see the salvation of the Lord, which he will work for you today…The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be still.” My favorite restaurant in Kolkata, Delhi Darbar
2 Comments
Sean Mc Mahon
4/9/2020 08:22:42 pm
That's great Colleen...be still, thank you !
Reply
Mandy C
4/12/2020 11:21:52 pm
So glad I found your blog! God bless you
Reply
Leave a Reply. |
hey.my moto is summarized best by these words:
“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.” -Brene Brown thanks Brene. you're quite the gal. Past Musings
July 2020
|