“As he went, the people pressed round him And a woman who had had a flow of blood for twelve years and had spent all her living upon physicians and could not be healed by any one, came up behind him, and touched the fringe of his garment; and immediately her flow of blood ceased. And Jesus said, “Who was it that touched me?” When all denied it, Peter said, “Master, the multitudes surround you and press upon you!” But Jesus said, “Someone touched me; for I perceive that power has gone forth from me.” And when the woman saw that she was not hidden, she came trembling, and falling down before him declared in the presence of all the people why she had touched him, and how she had been immediately healed. And he said to her, “Daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace.” - Luke 8:42-48
Background on this: Women who were hemorrhaging for any amount of time, were not touched by people. Back in the day of Jesus, and among some religions today, If a woman who was hemorrhaging (or on their period), touched you, you were then considered unclean. And the same was true if you touched a woman who was bleeding; you were considered unclean. You would have to go through a cleansing ritual to become clean again, and essentially you couldn’t do much if you were unclean. So, here’s this woman’s perspective: She hadn’t touched any human in 12 years, without fear of making them unclean. And other people hadn’t touched her without the fear of becoming unclean. Can you imagine? In prayer today I sat there searching the scriptures for this passage, because I really felt my soul needed to hear it. And of all things, these are the words that struck me: “Who was it that touched me?” (A question that always seemed to strike me as condemning) and: “when the woman saw that she was not hidden” Alright. So that first one. It has struck me as a condemning question, because I’ve read it in this ‘angry Jesus’ voice. But today, it was different. Today, Jesus spoke those words to me with a tenderness that I haven’t let myself hear before. But then I was like, “Okay. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves here. Jesus, why the heck would you even ask that question? I mean, come on, you’re GOD. Of course you know who touched you.” Then, I kept reading. “…the woman saw that she was not hidden” And I felt Jesus speak into my heart and say “Colleen, come out of hiding.” I closed my eyes and I transported myself into that crowd of people in the story. I became the woman who had, for so long, just sat there praying and waiting to be healed. Jesus didn’t want to force His healing on me, He simply wanted to look upon the face of the one whom He had healed. And He wanted me to choose to step out, look at Him, and give Him glory for what He’s done. Perfectionism. I have been sitting on crowded streets with my perfectionism for a long time. As Brene Brown says, “I’m a recovering perfectionist and an aspiring ‘good-enough-ist’”. As I sat in prayer I realized that Jesus wants to heal me from that. It might not be a one time deal, (in fact for now, I know that it’s not), but I know that He wants to heal me. Of course Jesus knew who touched Him. Of course He could have kept walking and not missed a beat. But in His sheer Goodness, He wanted this woman to choose Him. He wanted her to see Him, to look at Him and see His love for her. But He wasn’t going to force her to step out of the crowd - I mean, put yourself in her shoes. This woman is risking everything in stepping out and admitting that she touched Him. Literally, she could have been stoned to death for touching Him. So, no, He didn’t want to force her, He simply wanted to give her a chance to trust Him, step out of the crowd, and give Him a chance to look at her and truly gaze upon her with love. Have you ever loved someone so much that you look at them in this certain way and you catch them looking at you in that same way? Have you ever witnessed it between two other people? Jesus looks at us with that same gaze of sheer in-love-ness that we see in the rom-coms and that we hope that one day we’ll find (if we haven’t already yet). The thing is, is that He can look at me all He wants to (and He is…always looking at us with His love), but if I’m not looking back at Him, I’m never going to experience that complete and total, desperately-in-love kind of look that He’s giving. So, yea, He knew who touched Him. But, He wanted her to step out of hiding so He could show her His love for her. She risked her life, so I can only imagine her fear, but she had so much DANG COURAGE. Man oh man. Props to you, woman who wasn’t named in the bible. Silly Peter didn’t even catch Jesus’ drift…and he was named. Oh Peter. Thank you for being silly, so I can be assured of Jesus’ love even when I’m silly. Instead of a condemning voice, or one of accusation, Christ spoke with His tender love to my soul and said: “Colleen, won’t you let me look at you?” I have no way to nicely wrap this up and tie it with a bow. Other than, perfectionism has no place in the Kingdom of God, and if we’re to be living in the Kingdom now (which yes, before we die and hopefully go to Heaven, we are to be bringing about and living in the Kingdom), then, let’s just cast that devil into Hell and let it rot there. Not today, Satan. Not today. ps. Update on my *ission and what God is doing is soon to come to your email inbox if you gave me your email to receive updates. Put a comment, or contact me (text, FB, email) if you want to be added to those updates and haven't been receiving them. pps. The short version of what God's doing is that I'll be going to live where Mother Teresa lived. Yes, it feels surreal. ppps. Sorry, no pictures this time, because life is short and I'm gonna go run instead of uploading pictures. But I'll send some in that email ;)
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No one wants to read lyrics to a song they’ve never heard…it’s boring, has no context and doesn’t have the same effect as a song would that you know. So, before you keep reading, I suggest listening to the song Life keeps moving on by Ben Rector. I’ll only quote bits of it...but listen to the whole thing anyway. Here's the truth Life sucks sometimes When it hurts so bad that you can't go on Life keeps moving on When it's good When you're flying higher When your feet float up above the ground around you Life keeps moving on I agree with this song. Sometimes life kinda, well...stinks. And sometimes, it doesn’t. Either way, the world keeps turning; our life continues. I have currently lived in Asia for 3 months. And it has been really hard. Really. Hard. *Warning: This blog doesn’t have some type of happy-go-lucky ending where I have already solved all my problems. This is real life folks. So. It’s hard. Go figure - I mean, what can I expect, moving half way across the globe? Nothing is familiar...accept maybe the Pantene conditioner that I bought at the store. The most taxing thing for me has been the heat. I’m one of those people who loves the winter...the snow, cold, winter clothes, all of it. If we can’t be friends after you read that, it’s fine, I can accept that. But here’s the thing about the heat - it’s not just that I’m sweating, it’s that I don’t even feel like I can enter into what I’m being called to do because of it. I love walking around, meeting new people and developing relationships with them. I love serving others - especially the poor. But after being out of my house (which has the comfort of a fan) for a couple hours, I start getting so fatigued and plagued by headaches that the only way I can get myself to be a functioning human is to remind myself to keep breathing and drink water. This is basic stuff, right? I mean, I’m having to remind my body to breathe. I didn’t think that was part of the deal when I signed on to do this whole thing. The beauty in this, is that despite my inability to live as I typically would, Jesus is stronger than me and can do whatever He wants to do. He can do things in and through me, even if I can’t see them. Even if I don’t think I’m doing anything...He can do things. I’d also like to amend my last blog post: My main point of “I can do hard things” is quite inaccurate. I can’t do hard things. And as I was so kindly reminded by a friend (shout out to Chris), I can only do hard things through Christ…because of Christ. And if I cling to Him and allow Him to be the center of my life and literally take hold of me and everything I do - then He can be the one moving in and through me. And He can be the one doing the hard things that I can’t do. So, when life is hard, as it will be, and as I can expect it to be, I can also expect life to keep moving on. No matter how hot I wake up in the morning, or how much sweat my clothes collect throughout the day, life will keep moving on. But, my life isn’t just about moving along this hard, meaningless, aimless path of waking up day after day. Because of Christ. And no matter how hard things get, aren’t I supposed to believe that He’s bringing about something good - despite life’s challenges? Isn’t that what I say I believe if I believe in Christ? That He is good, can only do good things and desires to give me a full life? So, that’s what I’m choosing to believe. Because I know that’s what I believe, even if it’s hard. Because I refuse to believe in a God who would give His friends something bad - a God who become human only to be killed by His own people, to then return back to those same people, making it possible to be with them forever in Heaven. No, that God could only go through all of that because He wants to give His friends the best…His Good. I read this the other day in prayer and I don’t know if there will come a time in life when it will become easier to read…I guess I’ll find out. “If any man would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it; and whosever loses his life for my sake and the gospel’s will save it. For what does it profit a man, to gain the whole world and forfeit his life? For what can a man give in return for his life?” -Mark 8:35-37 There’s this thought that circulates in our culture that the goal of life is to make things easy. That a successful job is one where you sit up in a large office and oversee other people who are working hard while you sit back and relax. One can see where this thought might make sense - that if I have an easier life my life is “better” and therefore, I’m happier. I have found the exact opposite to be true. Today I move to Asia. Having to say good bye to my family and dearest friends, moving to the middle of nowhere America for 4 months, and packing and re-packing for the past 6 months like it’s my job (which I guess in some sense it is) has been hard. But its also already brought about some of the most rewarding experiences of my life. On November 5, 2017 I ran a marathon. If you had told Freshman-in-high-school Colleen that she would quit the tennis team to join the cross country team and that she would be running a marathon 10 years later I would have said, ‘no, no, no, no, no.” But I did it. And it was one of the best days of my life. I mean…when you have one million people cheering you on in life it’s hard not to smile…even if your whole body is revolting against you. When I trained for the marathon, each week I was running more than I had ever ran before. When it was time for my 20 mile training run, I was wary of whether or not I’d be able to finish it. But then I started and it just sort of happened. Was it hard? Of course. But I wouldn’t trade that marathon day for anything. So, if it takes some hard prep-work, so be it. After that day I had it in my mind that I wanted to run 50 marathons before I was 50. I calculated that if I ran about 2 marathons a year I could reach my goal. And then I realized that there was something missing in my life; that my desire to live with and serve the poor was stronger than my desire to run circles around Manhattan. Unknowingly, I signed up for the longest marathon there is…(insert word here that I can’t use because I’m in Asia…but it looks like @i$$ion$). There’s this crucifix in the chapel where I’m located and Jesus looks really human. And I love it. It’s also extremely hard to look at. It shows us the hard things that Jesus went through for us. But, I don’t think the hardest thing was him being crucified. He knew that was coming (not that it made it any easier…) but His brutal, ugly, beating and death wasn’t the hardest thing He went through. It was the rejection He received from the ones He loved the most. That was the hardest thing for Him. There were 3 people that loved Him at the foot of His cross. THREE. Out of the thousands of people that he healed and performed miracles in front of, and the hundreds of people that he taught in the temple in His hometown, there were only 3 of them who stuck with Him until the end. {2 of them were women - so, to all y’alls out there who say that God doesn’t have a place for women in The Church, I strongly beg to differ.} The rest of the people who were there hated Him. And, if we back up, the hardest part of Jesus’ life wasn’t carrying his cross to Calvary. That was about a 24 hour period. I’m not saying it wasn’t hard, but what about when His disciples rejected Him? When Judas kissed Him and turned Him over? When He performed healings and taught in various cities and people literally ran Him out of town to kill Him? What about when Jesus was rejected by the rich man who walked away from his own salvation? What about when Peter - one of Jesus’ best friends - rejected even knowing Jesus, not once, but three times? If my closet friends denied even knowing me I would be crushed. It was in these moments that I like to think Jesus looked up to Heaven and quietly said to Himself - I can do hard things. I can be rejected, ridiculed, misunderstood, be an inch away from my life ending, and even being killed. I can live through these hard things, because one day it will all make sense. One day, all will be seen and Heaven will be my Paradise. If we say no to the things in life that are only kind of hard - we’re not going to be able to say yes to the things that are necessary but really hard. If I spend all day on Facebook - or heck, even an hour - and I can’t say “no” to Facebook, then I’m saying no to developing deeper in-person relationships with those around me and building vulnerability in my life (aka…a necessity to be human). When I’m tempted to stay on Facebook too long I literally say out loud to myself “I can do hard things.” Because it takes a real effort to close my laptop or shut off my phone. When I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning I tell myself I can do hard things. In deciding to spend a half hour praying instead of watching Netflix I tell myself I can do hard things. When I was packing yesterday to move across the world and I was stressed out at the whole “my bag has to be 50 pounds” thing, I told myself that I can do hard things. Jesus could have stopped. Jesus could have seen His cross and not carried it. He was fully human and had free will. But, He was also fully God and He willingly said yes to carrying His cross. And, He didn’t just say yes on that day. He said yes to all the little hard things like deciding to teach people the hard stuff when He knew they would reject Him. He said yes when people asked for miracles and He was tired. He said yes. Before Abraham was Abraham, (literally God gave him a new name), he was Abram. And God told him “Fear not, Abram, I am your shield; your reward shall be very great.” (Genesis 15:1). The Good News when we follow Christ is that He’s already won. He’s already done the hard stuff and does it with us so that we’re never alone. I read this scripture the other day and I felt Jesus saying to me - “Colleen, I am your shield. Trust me.” Because we don’t just do hard things for the sake of doing hard things. Or, at least I don’t. Left to my own devices I would watch Netflix all day and scroll Facebook. But, when I do hard things, I’m trusting that there is more to life than what is before me. I am trusting that Jesus is waiting in His Kingdom for me and I want to be there. So, whatever hard things come, I’ll take it. Because it’s worth the goal of Heaven. I can do hard things. The crucifix in our chapel Thursday. I got in a car heading for the projects of a small town in Louisiana. This particular development has a senior center attached to it’s office, where seniors can come from 9-12pm Monday-Friday. I was with two of my fellow volunteers in training, and we had been there before, so I wasn’t sure if we were going to talk with the same people we had met, or if someone new would show up. And then John (name changed) walked through the door. John. He’s easily in his 70s or 80s, wearing a button up flannel with jeans, slightly hunched over and shuffling when he walks. He sits down next to us and I tell him that we’re training to be full-time volunteers but on Thursdays we go into the community. Then, John starts speaking about the Lord in a personal way - as someone who really knows Jesus. So, I asked him what his story was and if he had always been faithful. His story. John started off by vaguely telling us his story and that he loves the Lord and what Jesus has done for him. And then it got really real, really quick. His mother was a prostitute (which he found out when he was older), and he somehow contracted a sickness that paralyzed his legs when he was not even 2 years old. John’s dad abandoned him at their local hospital but one of the hospital workers saw John and said that she was going to take him home and get him to walk again - the doctors scoffed, but she was able to take John home as her foster son. Her and her husband took John in and he was able to walk after only a few short months (aka…a miracle). When John was 11, his foster mom got sick and he was moved around to 6 other foster homes until he was 16. John eluded to a lot of abuse and talked about how if he was sent to a foster home that was also a farm, he was forced to work and not get paid. {For all the advances that the foster care system has made, it’s still a broken system today, but I can only imagine how horrific it was back in the 50s.} By the time John was 16 he left whatever place he was living in so that he could find the first home he stayed in. He found it, knocked on the door and saw his dad (foster dad) staring back at him. {At this point in the story, John teared up and had to pause because he was crying} At first his dad didn’t recognize him but when John said ‘Hi Dad’ he dropped what he was holding and embraced his son. John was able to stay there for a little while, but his mom (first foster mom) got sick again and at that point I’m pretty sure John was homeless for a while. He said he drifted from place to place to find work that he could do, make some money and then travel somewhere else. John said he almost took his life - that he held a gun to his head and was about to pull the trigger because he was so sick and tired of his life. That he didn’t want to live this pain anymore, but that something stopped him (God) and he couldn’t do it. He didn’t say what happened that caused him to turn his life towards God, but he said he had been following the Lord for the past 30 years; that he was so incredibly thankful that Jesus saved him and had clothed him with an armor to follow Him. John said that everything in his life, the abandonment, the abuse, the near suicidal attempt, was God working in his life to bring him closer to Jesus. That they were all opportunities to turn towards God and that God was exercising His power by saving John from all of the things that happened in his life. Now. This man cried m u l t i p l e times while telling his story, and even while just talking to us. He was about to leave and telling us that he was so edified by our conversation, he started to cry and said that he saw a certain peace around us and told us that he would pray for us. I have never heard a man speak with that much conviction of Jesus’ love for him, while also allowing tears to stream from his face. AND, John wasn’t ashamed of his tears, he didn’t try to hide them or apologize for them - he simply let them be an outward expression of the insurmountable love that he had received from God. I was utterly amazed by John’s faith…quite frankly, I still am. (Plus, why are men in our society so afraid to cry and show emotion? And the ones who are bold enough to show tears are chastised for it. I tell you what…I’m done with toxic masculinity. Men of the world, do not allow yourselves to be pulled into this cultural macho-ness…it’s not realistic, and quite frankly, not attractive. But that’s a whole other blog post in and of itself. ANYWAY) Do I believe in the same God that John believes in? Do I believe in a God who can save someone form paralyzation, suicide and abuse? Yes? If that ‘yes’ is true, am I living that way? Am I living in such a way that proclaims the God I believe in? If I sat down with someone and they asked me what my story was, would I include Christ in that story? If I take a good honest look at my life, I don’t know that I would. I think I live in a certain amount of fear - a fear to proclaim the name of Christ. Y’all, if we believe the stories in the Bible are in fact true stories, then we believe that they are real. If we believe that they're real, then we believe that scripture is the living word of God. If scripture is living and true, then we believe in a radical God. “What then are we to say about these things? If God is for us, who is against us? He who did not withhold his own Son, but gave him up for all of us, will he not with him also give us everything else?…Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will hardship, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril or sword?…No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, or life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." - Romans 8: 31-32, 35, 37-39 Friends, pray with me. Jesus help me to remember that you are for me. That, in you, I have no reason to fear because you give me everything. That I am a conqueror through you. That nothing, absolutely n o t h i n g can separate me from you. That you love me in a way that I cannot even fathom because of its out-of-this-world radicalness. Jesus help me to trust you to deeply trust you, as John did. Jesus I trust in You. You sweat. Get eaten by mosquitos. Go Cajun dancing. Pray a lot. Laugh. There's more I want to say but it's currently past my bedtime but I wanted to post an update so y'all can see that I'm alive and doing very well. I'm doing so well that I sometimes still can't believe that I get to do this. That I get to get up in the morning and start my day in prayer with 60+ other people who also want to be volunteers. That my conversations revolve around Jesus. That I get to *literally* knock on people's doors, ask them if they want prayers and listen to their stories and lives - I get to meet people and tell them that Jesus loves them. What a gift. And, I do want to say this: If you're struggling right now to understand what the purpose of life is, what to be doing on this earth or if there's anything more than working, paying bills and going out on a Saturday night - there's a simple answer. He's a person, He wants you to know Him and *plot twist* He actually knows you better than you know yourself because He created you. So, all that pressure that you're putting on yourself to 'figure it out' - let that go. “It is Jesus that you seek when you dream of happiness; He is waiting for you when nothing else you find satisfies you; He is the beauty to which you are so attracted; it is He who provoked you with that thirst for fullness that will not let you settle for compromise; it is He who urges you to shed the masks of a false life; it is He who reads in your heart your most genuine choices, the choices that others try to stifle. It is Jesus who stirs in you the desire to do something great with your lives, the will to follow an ideal, the refusal to allow yourselves to be ground down by mediocrity, the courage to commit yourselves humbly and patiently to improving yourselves and society, making the world more human and more fraternal.” Thanks St. Pope John Paul II - you quite literally said it best. |
hey.my moto is summarized best by these words:
“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.” -Brene Brown thanks Brene. you're quite the gal. Past Musings
July 2020
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